Where to start

I've thought for a long while now that i should write a blog but i guess I've always just thought that what i would write no-one would ever care about and what's the idea in writing something if nobody is ever going to read it! Then i found out that a friend of mine had been writing a blog for a week or so and he said that it made him feel like a weight had been lifted off

You see him and i are very similar and you'll hear more about him as the blogs go on but we're both seen to be this big character - the one who's always smiling; always there; always taking on the world and coming out smelling like roses. Well there's the issue and the main reason for me writing this - that's not me; at least not inside; not anymore - I'm not on the edge of anything or sat here with a knife to my wrist but I'm not the guy that everyone thinks I am anymore.

I went through a hell of a lot as a kid and whilst this isn't about my childhood and all the horrible things i went through (some that friends and family know about and some that they don't) i think that some of them will show their heads in various blogs. So anyway i went through some crap and came out of it all eventually = found myself in 1999 as a 14 year old rape victim who had just come out to his friends and family - the best thing i ever did! I came out to everyone before i had even met or kissed another gay boi (if you don't count the afore mentioned) - I blamed that at first and some times still do - am i gay because i was attacked at 12 years old and forced to have sex with a 41 year old man - who knows but that's where i was! i was "popular" with the guys when i was younger and don't apologise for it! Coming out so young though makes you grow up and live life a pit early so you get to 24 and already start to reflect as if you were 80 something!

Don't get me wrong i love areas of my life and wouldn't change them but others i wish i could get away from or have back what I'm missing! Like the chance to choose who my first is; the chance to have a mother who isn't an alcoholic and makes me feel terrible for leaving her every time she calls - but that's not for here! like i say some of these ramblings i will no doubt need to talk about in other blogs but I'll do it when i need to!

So me at the moment - a brief!

I'm 24 years old living in Manchester - moved here in 2004 i like to believe for the new challenge and great city but more than likely to get away from the town i had spent 19 years in and all the memories that came with it! I love living in Manchester - i moved with two friends who i guess would be the closest friends too me! Neither of them really understand me like the ones I've left behind though! My best friend; we'll call him Sean - he's amazing; funny; cute etc etc but there's just something that stops me from telling him everything - i mean he knows everything but he's quite guarded in himself so it kinda makes me guarded towards him! And as for the other one; we'll call him Russell - he's a slightly self obsessed 22 year old with the mind and caring capacity of a 4 year old at times - he cares and i think he's heavily misunderstood but you couldn't really get him to care about someone else for more than 10 minutes! I love them both to absolute bits but sometimes i get the idea that if i moved away tomorrow it would only matter until the next night out! Yeah i know you'll wonder why we're friends - well cause when it comes down to it i love them and in their own way they do me - at least i hope!

I love my job - not really what i wanted to do in a job but i'm good at it and i like it so what the hell! Insurance is the way for now! Unless someone offers me the job of ring announcer for the wwe then i'm stuck with it! haha! have great friends at work - i'll get into that later in the week but it makes it very hard to manage them!

Love life - well thats where the issue really begins! There isn't one! Not a real amazing relationship or boyfriend in 5 years! There's been someone that i was seeing for a while that i really liked but we were never in a relationship - at least not in his eyes! The last real one was him - Drew! The one i'll never really get over but 5 years on i'm as over as i'm gonna get!

So i'm on the search for someone! Searching never works you're thinking and would be right! You should no by the way - i'm not your average small slim gorgeous gay! i'm about 6' tall; over 20 stone and rely heavily on my smile and eyes to get me through! I get attention but it's starting to be from the wrong kind of guy! So there's something to work on - i decide every sunday to start back on the diet i lost 2 stone on earlier this year (paul mckenna) and by monday it aint working! However - this week it will cause i have a reason! My best friend (the blogger) - we'll call him marc has decided we're going on a gay holiday in february for our birthdays! swimming; gays; hot sun - weight loss is needed!

So i made a decision when i started writing this that i would never read up whilst i'm typing and never read it until i've clicked publish and i'm gonna stick to that so i hope it makes sense if you're reading! I also realised that i told Marc he could read this when i start - some things in here he doesn't know so i hope he still loves me when he does!

I'm not sure how often i'll do this but i think it'll be useful! I'll try to limit the rants in future!

Keep smiling!

benni